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| When we have a conflict with someone we may respond in competition or cooperation. In competition, we see our interests as diametrically opposed to the interest of the other party. However, this is hardly ever the case. If Chuck wants to eat at Taco Bell and Mary wants to eat at the Olive Garden, there is certainly a difference between these restaurants, but it's difficult to say that they're diametrically opposed. If Chuck and Mary begin to discus what interests them, they might find that they have quite a few interests in common. For example:
Chuck's Interests
Getting something to eat
Eating out
Eating cheap
Going someplace near
Mary's Interests
Getting something to eat
Eating out
Italian Food
Going someplace near
Looking at these lists, it's clear that Chuck and Mary have several interests in common: Getting something to eat, eating out, and going someplace near. If they recognize that they have these interests in common, it is more likely that they can avoid a nasty conflict. In fact, if they demonstrate to the other that they are concerned about the other's interests, they will most likely be able to cooperate and find a solution that would satisfy all of their interests. What do you think this would be?
When people cooperate, several very positive things occur. First of all, the best solutions are more likely to be found; these would be solutions that would satisfy most, if not all, of both party's interests. If this is not possible, cooperation makes it more likely to find an optimal solution or strategy (for example, tonight Taco Bell, tomorrow Olive Garden) without hurting the other's feelings or damaging the relationship. By showing respect to the other person and recognizing his or her interests, the relationship is strengthened and trust grows between the parties, enabling greater communication and understanding. This in turn allows the parties to share with each other and discuss each other's interests even more.
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| When we go through a conflict, we are often overwhelmed by the complexity of the situation. It doesn't seem possible that a relatively simple difference of opinion could snowball into a situation which could destroy relationships. One way of dealing with such conflicts involves analyzing the situation and understanding the nature of the conflict.
One way of describing conflicts is to view conflicts as being either task conflicts or relational conflicts. Task conflicts are when there is a difference in opinion concerning how something should be done or what is true. If a husband wants to go to New York City for vacation and a wife wants to go to rural Wisconsin for vacation, there is a task conflict. A simple decision needs to be made, based on the interests of both people. Why does the wife want to go to Wisconsin? Because it's cheaper or because it's calmer? Why does the husband want to go to New York? Because it's closer, or because it's more exciting? If the wife wants to go somewhere calm, and the husband wants to go somewhere close, perhaps they could choose a rural area closer to where they live. If the wife wants to go somewhere cheap, and the husband wants to go to somewhere more exciting, perhaps they could go to New York City, but spend fewer days there than originally planned.
However, if the husband implies that he doesn't want to go to Wisconsin because he'd go bonkers sitting around for a week with his wife, we've moved into a relationship conflict. Relationship conflict occurs whenever one party's feelings are hurt in a conflictual situation. It is much more difficult to resolve relationship conflict than task conflict. After hurting his wife by saying that he wouldn't want to spend so much time with her, the husband might have no idea that he has hurt his wife's feelings. The wife might not want to admit that she was hurt by what he said; it might be too painful for her to admit that he even said it. It's quite possible that she would snap back at him and say something hurtful to him. This in turn could motivate him to say even meaner things to her. And the conflict snowballs out of control . . .
Dealing with relationship conflict requires humility. It's likely that both parties believe that the other needs to apologize first. But one party needs to humbly approach the other and seek to discuss the issues that are causing so much pain. To fuly resolve the conflict, both parties must be willing to discuss the issues: Not just the question of where to go vacation, but how the words that have been spoken have affected their relationship. It can be a long and drawn out process, but healing can occur, and. . . they can end up having a great vacation together if they work it all out! | |
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| As long as there have been churches, there have been conflicts. The New Testament records major conflicts in the churches of Corinth, Galatia, Ephesus, Philippi, Colosse, and Crete. Although these churches had divine origins, being based on the gospel of Jesus Christ, they remained very human. Although the members of churches today, as in the New Testament, generally have very good motives, they end up having conflicts that are not at all characterized by love, joy, peace, or any other quality that indicates that they are being directed by God.
Modern research has extensively studied conflict in order to find the best way to deal with it constructively. The best solution that has been proposed is the "dual interest model" of negotiation. Each party has certain interests, certain values or beliefs that they want to uphold and defend. If each party can understand the interests of the other, the two parties can work together to find a solution that responds to the interests of both parties. This is exactly what the apostle Paul said to do in the church of Philippi: Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. (Phil. 2:3-4, NASB)
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